How I Feel - Conflicted - Mentally Ill - 2018-07-16

This is my Journal blog so I feel that if I am going to post anything like this it's going to be here, just writing something down to maybe make sense of it or maybe even get some advice from people going through the same thing as me.

I woke up strangely feeling inspired to get things done, and I did! I got up sooner than I normally would, than go to the bank, took my 10 thousand step walk came home and worked on my painting, checked all my emails and did some social media marketing. This is a perfect day for productivity for me nowadays. 

As I got everything done that I needed to I felt proud of myself! But when it was all said and done and I felt there was nothing left to do I felt empty again. I started resenting the fact that I got everything done making me feel this way. Usually, it's just me upset at the fact that I am useless and couldn't get everything I needed to do, oh how the tables turn.

And then I pick at all the things I did wrong. Like I ate leftover nachos from a restaurant from the night before and I went over my calorie limit by a lot. I felt like that 10 thousand step walk was useless. But some days I can't even get myself going to even make that walk. These are all first world problems so I feel guilty about complaining about it.

I did too much and I am tired while thinking I didn't do enough. While eating too much while thinking about what my next meal I'm going to have. Wanting to exercise but feeling too exhausted. My feelings have been super conflicted and I have no way of fixing it. I keep seeing a psychiatrist and I feel like he isn't helping me. 

Speculating on what happened with Mars Argo, Poppy and Yoppy / Little Sunny Bite

The video that really inspired this blog by Irrelevant News:

Irrelevant News made this video to talk about the connection between Mars, Poppy, and Yoppy with the Madonna hotel pink tennis court. The answer is quite simple, it's not uncommon for two people that are in the same industry and strive for the same esthetic to have photoshoots in the same area, although Mars did not publish any photos of herself on the tennis court. Only that one promotional video of Yoppy with the horse toy and Mars' voice over.

While Mars and Poppy have a lot of photos that are blatantly the same with Poppy copying Mars this may not be one of those instances. Poppy has a photoshoot with Voge so who really knows if it was Voge or Poppy who suggested the tennis court.

Just summarizing it. According to the video above:

• Yoppy was partnering with Mars Argo and launched a side project called "Little Sunny Bite". 
• Mars and Yoppy did specific photo shoots for this project. which one of these was at the Madona Hotel.
• Yoppy would post photos and promo videos for Mars for some time.
• Mars would start to call Yoppy, Boo. And always keep in touch. It seemed they were forming a friendship
• Almost all of the photos that were being posted on Yoppy's profile were all from this Madonna hotel shoot. Aside from some a couple photos that were from a separate shoot in Japan.
• Mars and Yoppy went to Japan together and Yoppy continued to post more promotional stuff for Mars.
• A little while after Japan they went back to the Madonna hotel for another photo shoot.
• One of the photos taken this time around was one that seemed like a subliminal message. It was a picture of the door that they were staying in with a name on the door called "California Poppy".
• Yoppy posted a video with a Mars voice over of Yoppy laying on a tennis court in question.
• Yoppy made a promotional shirt with Mars' face on them and posted a lot of pictures of them on her Instagram.
• The very last photo Yoppy has ever posted of Mars Argo was a photo she had used for her previous shirt line.
• After this last photo, Yoppy created a promo video for Poppy's video called money that was uploaded to youtube.

So in the timeline, Mars was going through the worse time of her life with the break up of Titanic. With him harassing her constantly and what not. Yoppy and Mars developed a very fast friendship during a time that Mars was so deeply hurt. In the end, Titanic and Poppy pretty much stole Yoppy's business away from Mars. Trying to take all of this in a hard. While mars started to fall off the internet face of the world, Yoppy was probably scrambling for work since she wasn't getting any more content from Mars. And since Poppy was so similar to Mars it was easy to just switch clients without much of a second thought. With that being said how could you become so close to someone (Mars Argo), and not know what was going on in the sidelines with her and her former boyfriend? While Titanic and Mars were breaking up and all these crazy things were happening with the Titanic breaking in through the window and breaking the wine glasses. She had to have been stressed out.

As someone with PTSD from traumatic events linked to relationships, I see Mars as an extremely strong individual for even leaving the house at this point. If Mars was as close to Yoppy as we all thought she was, how could she have not known?

What do you guys think? Was it Yoppy that reached out for the rights of Poppy's song Money or was it Poppy and Titanic who reached out to Yoppy.

With all this coming to light I wonder if Yoppy's name influenced the desitions of what to name Poppy. Is this another revenge plot? There are so many subliminal things here that are just now coming together for me.

If you liked this blog and what to see more I have two more blogs on the same relative topic!

Analyzing Titanic and Mars Argo music videos with the lawsuit

Poppy slaps Mars Argo in the face with content

And if you want to keep up to date with what I am doing and writing about feel free to follow me on Twitter. <3

Poppy slaps Mars Argo in the face with content

I wanted to put this blog together to see for myself how similar these pieces of content were.

Poppy released a short video called "the boogie". The beat used in this video actually was involved in a copywriting lawsuit between Vanilla Ice and David Bowie. The songs involved Ice Ice Baby and Under Pressure.

I will show the videos and you guys can be the judge.

Just wait until you see the other two videos to make this call. 

So this song was suid for copy write with David Bowie because it has the same beat and they did not have permission to use it. They did not pay for the legal right to use that beat that David Bowie created before Vanilla Ice's release of Ice Ice Baby.

Listening back to "The Boogie" and "Ice Ice Baby" the undertone of the beat seems closer to Ice Ice Baby rather than Under pressure but you can clearly see the resemblance and what this could mean to Poppy and Titanic.

Now that you have had a few moments to compare, what do you think? Is Poppy mocking Mars Argo with the lawsuit by ever so slightly changing an already thought of idea? Let me know in the comments below what you think. Even if THAT was a mistake... It seems just a little too close to the release of the lawsuit in my own opinion.

In light that people still think Poppy is innocent, what do you guys think of her making this video?

If you like this blog click here for one similar involving the music that was mentioned in the lawsuit! Analyzing Titanic and Mars Argo music mentioned in the lawsuit

Analyzing Titanic and Mars Argo music videos with the lawsuit

I wanted to write a blog about the music that was mentioned in the TMZ's copy of the Mars Argo Vs. Titanic and Poppy lawsuit. I will link the lawsuit copy at the end of this article. First I am going to post the video that inspired this blog and I will continue on by interpreting what these songs now mean to me, now that we have more context.

I also want to say I do not in any way condone Titanic's actions and I send out love with a heavy heart to Mars.

This video highlights only a few of many things that Mars endured as she had to leave this extremely abusive relationship.

What I got from this song was that he got so jealous that his friends liked her more, he talks about how she has done nothing all year and now she is on holiday in New York taking a break. Honestly, it seems that she may have wanted a break from Titanic at this point. He seems overly attached and in a psychosis that what he was doing was not wrong which I actually feel bad for him for. He clearly needs help mentally.. I see that there is a HUGE co-dependancy. But in the reports, it states that he cheated on her which caused her not to be with him anymore. I can't wrap my head around "how much he loved her" but still hurting her so much, not only when he was still in her life but afterward. Making his life's mission to destroy her career. It is like that story of the ex-boyfriend who kills his ex-girlfriend because "If I can't have her no one will". The whole thing is TERRIFYING.

So in this song, he makes fun of Mars for having a trust fund and how she has such a perfect life and so on. The way he sings and dances to this song really just makes him look like a big jealous kid. I get the whole anxiety thing and maybe he needed to make this song to get it off his chest. It seemed to be the main thing in his mind so its no wonder why he made a song about it. But releasing it in spite of Mars is just sad.. But I can't really blame him for it. Just look at Paramore for one and also Tegan and Sara. (not putting them on blast they are 3 of my favorite artists.) Both those bands have multiple songs about stalking and being overly attached partners and what not. Within music like this is what the person is feeling inside at the time of writing it. Only just knowing the full story now I can't help but feel this ugliness. I guess that's the point? #art

This is the last music video Mars had ever released befor she went she disapeared from the internet. This is so weird.. When I had no idea that this was all happening I remember watching this for the first time and almost analyzing facial expressions and so on. I always do that on the first look. I really just want to know what the emotion is that is trying to be conveyed in any sort of media. I remember this one glint of footage where he just looks at her a certain way. I remember thinking to myself "wow.. he REALLY loves her". But this was around the time that things were ending and what not. This is literally the last bit of content they released together... Releasing something right after you break up with someone especially someone who cheated and was manipulative... And this video is so good! I understand why they ended up releasing it anyways. But I can't help but think of all the stuff that happened during this time. The break-ins, the assaults, the horrible torment all resulting in her being diagnosed with PTSD. It's so eery watching it back now..

On a total side note. WTH is Poppy doing supporting someone like Titanic, was this the way she thought was the only way to get famous or something? And the way that she publicly reacts to stuff when people bring it up is pretty gross. In the report it states that Titanic and Poppy enroll in a Japanese school that they knew Mars was already attending. People keep saying that Poppy might be a victim in all of this as well but she had time to jump ship before it went this far. I view poppy in a new light and I am disgusted. I almost can't wait to see what she has to say for her self.

TMZ - Mars Vs Titanic Lawsuit Link

This document is 44 pages, so much to cover.

If you liked this blog and want to see another one like it involving Poppy mocking Mars with her new video "the boogie" click this link!

Poppy slaps Mars Argo in the face with content

I am incredibly depressed.

In this blog I will be talking about my early years. In the following blogs I will talk more about the tramas that haunt me alongside these circumstances that add to my mental state that I deal with right now.

There has been many factors in my live that maybe the defining factor of "why" I am the way I am and how I feel about everything and anything. I started off like most kids, with parents that never seemed to really get along. Although I have memories of being on the front porch of my house, age 2 in a nighty barefoot getting interviewed by police. I have traumatic visions that circle back to me of times that i've witnessed hands on fights. Where one blow to the nose would cause multiple droplets of blood to splat onto our hardwood floor. It plays back in slow motion for me now. Followed by a thick stream of blood running down a loved ones face. You know, only being 6 years old at that time... How are you to help?! How are you to deal with that. These were things that happened on a month to bi monthly time frame. Laying in bed, screaming with no one to hear you, why can the yelling not stop?! The loud bangs of furniture being thrown. doors being busted through. Have you ever heard the sound of a flat screen being folded in half? Oh but you need more beer, a little more alcohol, more cigarettes to blow in my face.

Now having repressed memories coming back and physically tearing myself up. Seeing what a split skull looks like at age 9, seeing myself and loved one covered from head to toe in bruises, scratches, torn tendons, and broken bones has left me with a broken mind.

My symptoms:

• Unable to eat or eat everything in sight
• Stiffness in my muscles until they tear and I have excruciating pain
• Uncontrollable shaking
• Unable to sleep or wake up
• Nusea
• Eyes blur and brunning
• Random crying with no prompt
• Visions of moments that for real happened
• Visions of things that COULD have happened but didn't
• I can physically feel those visions
• No will to do anything

Going back to my muscles. I can feel them getting tighter and tighter where it almost feels like I've temporarily lost mobility to the range I would normally. I try my hardest to get up and to do normal things. But breaking the stiffness literally causes my muscles to rip. Then I am stuck with a pain that feels like a blade taken out of me every time I move and every time I breath. That sort of soreness can last up to 3 months.

These feelings have followed me all the way through high school. Working through the mental and physical strain, I came out alive.

When I started out, almost 9 years of living with my grandparents, them teaching me morals, how to be kind even when everything sucks. Understanding what being good to everyone can make the world a brighter place so long as paying it forward was a thing. (Although nowadays I am starting to believe that maybe the whole pay it forward thing is dead).

All I ever was, was smiling, happy, good to people, assuming the best and never the bad, helping everyone and anyone I could within my ability. I was always the one who had bullies cause I would take it. I wouldn't put them down because maybe they were going through something just as bad as me. I changed schools and all of a sudden became cool. I had no bullies but instead they wanted to be my friend. And after that I was the quiet mysterious girl that people wanted to know. One of the only times I had ever spoken up was to help someone getting dumped on. You better believe that jock crapped his pants when I stood up for the kid about to cry.

I get it everyone slips. I did mess up a few times... But in general I was a decent human being. And at the same time I was dying inside. "You are so strong", people kept telling me. for about 21 years "I was strong".

Now in my current situation i can't even really leave my house. I am afraid of my own shadow, I am constantly sick and in pain, on top of mental issues. I am 23 now. And a lot ended up happening over the last 2 years that has added to my mental break.

To learn more about this on going story follow my blog. I will explain in more detail stories of my past, what happened within the last 2 years, how I deal (or don't deal) with my mental illness(s), what it was like being in a  psych ward, and so much more. Thanks for reading, and stay tuned! (follow!) <3