There has been many factors in my live that maybe the defining factor of "why" I am the way I am and how I feel about everything and anything. I started off like most kids, with parents that never seemed to really get along. Although I have memories of being on the front porch of my house, age 2 in a nighty barefoot getting interviewed by police. I have traumatic visions that circle back to me of times that i've witnessed hands on fights. Where one blow to the nose would cause multiple droplets of blood to splat onto our hardwood floor. It plays back in slow motion for me now. Followed by a thick stream of blood running down a loved ones face. You know, only being 6 years old at that time... How are you to help?! How are you to deal with that. These were things that happened on a month to bi monthly time frame. Laying in bed, screaming with no one to hear you, why can the yelling not stop?! The loud bangs of furniture being thrown. doors being busted through. Have you ever heard the sound of a flat screen being folded in half? Oh but you need more beer, a little more alcohol, more cigarettes to blow in my face.
Now having repressed memories coming back and physically tearing myself up. Seeing what a split skull looks like at age 9, seeing myself and loved one covered from head to toe in bruises, scratches, torn tendons, and broken bones has left me with a broken mind.
My symptoms:
- Unable to eat or eat everything in sight
- Stiffness in my muscles until they tear and I have excruciating pain
- Uncontrollable shaking
- Unable to sleep or wake up
- Nusea
- Eyes blur and brunning
- Random crying with no prompt
- Visions of moments that for real happened
- Visions of things that COULD have happened but didn't
- I can physically feel those visions
- No will to do anything
Going back to my muscles. I can feel them getting tighter and tighter where it almost feels like I've temporarily lost mobility to the range I would normally. I try my hardest to get up and to do normal things. But breaking the stiffness literally causes my muscles to rip. Then I am stuck with a pain that feels like a blade taken out of me every time I move and every time I breath. That sort of soreness can last up to 3 months.
These feelings have followed me all the way through high school. Working through the mental and physical strain, I came out alive.
When I started out, almost 9 years of living with my grandparents, them teaching me morals, how to be kind even when everything sucks. Understanding what being good to everyone can make the world a brighter place so long as paying it forward was a thing. (Although nowadays I am starting to believe that maybe the whole pay it forward thing is dead).
These feelings have followed me all the way through high school. Working through the mental and physical strain, I came out alive.
When I started out, almost 9 years of living with my grandparents, them teaching me morals, how to be kind even when everything sucks. Understanding what being good to everyone can make the world a brighter place so long as paying it forward was a thing. (Although nowadays I am starting to believe that maybe the whole pay it forward thing is dead).
All I ever was, was smiling, happy, good to people, assuming the best and never the bad, helping everyone and anyone I could within my ability. I was always the one who had bullies cause I would take it. I wouldn't put them down because maybe they were going through something just as bad as me. I changed schools and all of a sudden became cool. I had no bullies but instead they wanted to be my friend. And after that I was the quiet mysterious girl that people wanted to know. One of the only times I had ever spoken up was to help someone getting dumped on. You better believe that jock crapped his pants when I stood up for the kid about to cry.
I get it everyone slips. I did mess up a few times... But in general I was a decent human being. And at the same time I was dying inside. "You are so strong", people kept telling me. for about 21 years "I was strong".
Now in my current situation i can't even really leave my house. I am afraid of my own shadow, I am constantly sick and in pain, on top of mental issues. I am 23 now. And a lot ended up happening over the last 2 years that has added to my mental break.
To learn more about this on going story follow my blog. I will explain in more detail stories of my past, what happened within the last 2 years, how I deal (or don't deal) with my mental illness(s), what it was like being in a psych ward, and so much more. Thanks for reading, and stay tuned! (follow!) <3
